Jack Lieblich

Jack Lieblich
2 BuzzLists
Added 37 clips
and 31 quotes

Big Head = Big Star
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Season 1: Entourage
Stewie Playing Hoops
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Season 3: Lethal Weapons
Our House...It Has No Internet
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Season 12: Over Logging
Dennis Goes Crazy in the Suburbs
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Season 11: Mac & Dennis Move to the Suburbs

"Excuse me, is your refrigerator running? Because if it is, it probably runs like you - very homosexually."
-Peter

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Season 3: Lethal Weapons

"Don't worry, I got an idea. An idea so smart, my head would explode if I even began to know what I was talking about."
-Peter

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Season 3: Lethal Weapons
Drama Playing Golf
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Season 6: Fore

"Hello, 911? It's Quagmire. Yeah, it's caught in the window this time."
-Quagmire

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Season 3: Lethal Weapons
A Night at the Jersey Shore
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Season 7: The Gang Goes to the Jersey Shore
Drama Bugs Out
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Season 4: The Dream Team
Cool Whip
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Season 5: Barely Legal
Charlie Thinks He's a Genius
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Season 9: Flowers for Charlie
The Italian Market
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Season 5: The Gang Hits the Road
Jim Bikes to Work
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Season 3: Diwali

"Because if the girl said no, the answer, obviously, is no. But the thing is she's not gonna say no. She would never say no. Because of the implication."
-Dennis

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Season 6: The Gang Buys a Boat
Charlie's Song
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Season 9: The Gang Tries Desperately to Win an Award

"Everybody stop. I didn't go to the Lakers game because they're playing the fucking Bobcats. And I came here today because I thought this was a session on how my wife could learn to communicate. How to answer a question without a question. Basic Humanity 101. Which, I thought, given your wall of fucking diplomas, you could easily fix. Or if you couldn't, you could give her a pill that would either fix it or make her a mute. But now, to turn around and gang up on me — I have work to do. I have hundreds of clients to deal with and just so we're clear, I don't care about any of them. They're all just a number, like wife #1 and therapist #7. Good day."
-Ari

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Season 3: Manic Monday
Pepe Silvia
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Season 4: Sweet Dee Has a Heart Attack
Billy Walsh Rides off with the First Cut
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Season 4: The First Cut Is the Deepest

"Whoops! I dropped my monster condom that I use for my magnum dong."
-Frank

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Season 5: The D.E.N.N.I.S. System

"(to Dennis and Mac) Oh, get a job? Just get a job? Why don't I strap on my job helmet and squeeze down into a job cannon and fire off into job land, where jobs grow on jobbies?!"
-Charlie

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Season 3: The Gang Sells Out
Ari Cuts the Dead Weight
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Season 6: Give a Little Bit
Charlie Becomes Serpico
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Season 3: Bums: Making a Mess All Over the City
Larry Acts Jewish
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Season 5: The Ski Lift

"Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Mumma! Mumma! Mumma! . . . Hi!"
-Stewie

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Season 5: Stewie Loves Lois

"Oh, I'm sorry. Well I could put the trash into a landfill where it's going to stay for millions of years, or I could burn it up, get a nice smokey smell in here and let that smoke go into the sky where it turns into stars."
-Charlie

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Season 5: The Great Recession
Charlie's Dating Profile
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Season 5: The Waitress Is Getting Married

"You know another class I took at Harvard? Business Ethics. I don't steal other people's motherfucking clients, but in your case I'm going to make an exception. I'm going to take everyone: your B-level sitcom stars, your reality-TV writers...when I'm done with you, you're gonna be repping sideshow freaks. You need Jo-Jo the Dog-Face-Bitch-Boy? Call Josh Weinfuck, the lightweight pen-stealing fuckface."
-Ari

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Season 1: Busey and the Beach

"Hello. Hi, um, I'm a recovering crackhead. This is my retarded sister that I take care of. I'd like some welfare please."
-Dennis

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Season 2: Dennis and Dee Go on Welfare
Mac Gets Analyzed
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Season 8: The Gang Gets Analyzed
Charlie Goes on a Date
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Season 5: The Waitress Is Getting Married

"You can flaunt two-thirds of the day outside the office and then you have one-third non-flaunt. Why not take a break in the flaunt?"
-Larry

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Season 7: The Bare Midriff

"Busted? I'm entrusted, man. I don't steal. I heal. We're not getting stoned. We're getting honed. My probation officer's one of my best customers. I'm a prisoner. I'm a prisoner of, uh, war. War on Drugs. It's all so negative, man. I mean, the Man's most positive positive-tive is a nega-tive. It's a mega-nega-tive. Right? [shouts] Viking Quest! Let them be low. We are getting high. We're not getting fucked down. We're getting fucked up."
-The Sherpa

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Season 1: The Script and the Sherpa
Get in that Ass, Larry
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Season 6: The Lefty Call
Matt Damon Tries to Get Vince to Donate to His Charity
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Season 6: Give a Little Bit

"This is kind of embarrassing, but sometimes I wake up in the morning fully tented. Any advice?"
-Johnny Drama

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Season 2: Oh, Mandy

"I want to apologize for the whole sponge thing. You know what happened that night, because of the survivor confrontation—it just brought up a lot of stuff about the Holocaust. It's kind of in my DNA, and I was very flummoxed by it. Very flummoxed."
-Larry

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Season 4: The Survivor
Ari Goes Off in Therapy
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Season 3: Manic Monday

"Great work Rob, great work. See if you can read this. [writes GET THE FUCK OUT!!! on white board] You're fired, and in case your ears are fucked, [points the door] GET THE FUCK OUT!!! And the next person I see juggling, tap-dancing, or baton-twirling or doing any other circus-like tricks will join him, alright? One-strike policy applies, now get back to work! Goddamn, that felt good."
-Ari

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Season 3: Manic Monday

"Okay, yes. If I could GOUGE OUT Terrance McQuewick's eyeballs and eat them for what he did to me, I would. And I would sell that Benedict Arnold Adam Davies into white slavery if we lived in a place that had a market for it. And LLOYD, that little queen, who I welcomed into my home and allowed to play with my children and care for my dog and who left me for those two scumbags, I would tie him up and allow the entire Screen Actors Guild to anally rape him if not for the fact that I'd know he would enjoy it. I hate them all, and yes, I want to see them destroyed. But that is not why I want this company. I want - no, I need - this company, because it's good business. It's good goddamn business and if I don't buy it, someone else will and that will be very very bad for my business. And my wife, of all people, should know, that when it comes to business, my judgment is never clouded, so please [pleads to Mrs Ari] please support me like you always have, and I will deliver for us, like I always have."
-Ari

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Season 6: Give a Little Bit

"If you play gay or retarded you get an Oscar. I'd take in the ass for an Oscar."
-Johnny Drama

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Season 1: The Scene
Funkhouser Gives Larry a Sweaty $50
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Season 6: The Ida Funkhouser Roadside Memorial
Larry Orders Girls Gone Wild
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Season 4: Wandering Bear

"See this thing? It's a mezuzah. Got that? And I need you to put it over the door here. This is like a Jewish thing, you know, we put it over the door so every anti-Semite in the neighborhood will know that we live here in case they want to burn down the house."
-Larry

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Season 5: The Christ Nail

"Really? See, I could see worshiping Jesus if he were a girl, like if God had a daughter. Jane, I'll worship a Jane. But to worship a guy—it's a little gay, isn't it?"
-Larry

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Season 5: The Christ Nail
E Proposes to Sloan
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Season 6: Give a Little Bit

"Lesbians love me. They love me . . . Obviously, they talk amongst themselves and the word got out that I am a friend o'lesbians."
-Larry

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Season 5: The Bowtie

"It's like a huge responsibility feeding fish. It's not fun. Think about it, you know, I'm outside, and I gotta go home to feed fish? I mean seriously, who gives a shit? . . . You know, they're not pets, really, but yet it's the same responsibility as a pet. But you get nothing back. You watch them? Is that supposed to be fascinating?"
-Larry

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Season 7: Funkhouser's Crazy Sister
Larry Talks Gay
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Season 4: The 5 Wood

"You know, she went over the appropriate amount of time that I can have human contact without getting aroused. I only have five seconds. After that it's out of my control."
-Larry

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Season 6: The N Word

"Do you think we really needed Alaska and Hawaii? They gotta ruin everything. They ruined the continental United States. Ruined it! We have a beautiful Pacific coast, Atlantic coast, that’s the continental United States. You don’t need more states. We’re not the British Empire. Are they trying to turn us into the British Empire? And what is Puerto Rico, anyway?"
-Larry

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Season 2: The Baptism

"Even with a million-man army you sometimes have to do the grunt work yourself. Saddam Hussein had to hang a few without his assistants."
-Ari

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Season 7: Stunted
Larry and Greg
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Season 8: Larry vs. Michael J. Fox
Charlie Can't Follow the Conversation
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Season 8: The Gang Recycles Their Trash

"I finish things I start. Books, they can be five hundred pages—once I start them, even if i hate it, I'll finish it. I have friends who I can't stand, you know, for like twenty-five years. I'm still friends with them. Why? Because I stay to the end, until they're dead. I go down with the ship. That's what I do. I'm not even the captain; I'm going down with the ship. That's how I want you to think about me: I'm the guy who keeps the captain company."
-Larry

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Season 6: The Bat Mitzvah
50 Cent Rips on Turtle
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Season 6: One Car, Two Car, Red Car, Blue Car

"You better watch who you call a child, Lois. Because if I'm a child, then you know what that makes you? A pedophile! And I'll be damned if I'm gonna stand here and be lectured by a pervert!"
-Peter

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Season 3: When You Wish Upon a Weinstein
Ari Finds Out James Cameron is Directing Aquaman
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Season 2: An Offer Refused

"Nobody told me that I could be anonymous and tell people. I would have taken that option, okay? You can't have it half way. You're either anonymous or you're not. What is it? "Oh, yeah, there's Larry David, the guy who has to have his name up on the wall, as opposed to Mr. Anonymous but was really Ted." Anonymous...It's fake philanthropy, and it's faux anonymity. What do you think about that?"
-Larry

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Season 6: The Anonymous Donor

"I think we should turn the pool to face south. Very feng shui."
-Johnny Drama

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Season 2: An Offer Refused
Freak Book
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Season 6: The Freak Book
Handicapped Stall
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Season 5: The Bowtie

"'Movie'? I hate the word movie. I don't make movies, I make films!"
-Billy Walsh

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Season 4: Welcome to the Jungle
Larry's Got a Tickle in His Anus
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Season 6: The Bat Mitzvah
Larry's Got a Swede Lawyer
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Season 8: The Divorce
Drama Finds out Five Towns Is a Hit
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Season 3: The Resurrection
Peter Tries to Give Consuela a Phone Number
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Season 9: And I'm Joyce Kinney

"Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Lois, this is not my Batman glass."
-Peter

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Season 4: Fast Times at Buddy Cianci Jr. High